FAQ concerning BDSM Berlin
Why would you need an association for this?
BDSM is a very personal topic. Many people first have to and want to learn to deal with it. We inform, educate and offer people the opportunity to become familiar with the topic of BDSM.
There are usually different events for this: monthly open meetings monthly, one theme evening, an information evening for beginners, as well as irregular workshops on specific techniques. In the calendar you will find all current events.
Is it important to become a member?
Not at all. People who become members do so to support our work. Our services are open to everyone.
There are so many offers. Where do I begin?
Attending our beginners' meeting is a great starting point. There, you'll meet other people in a small group who are just as new, nervous, and uncertain as you are. Our experienced hosts will put you at ease and answer all your questions, allowing you to chat and exchange ideas in a relaxed atmosphere. This will make your first meeting a positive experience and give you the confidence to take the next step.
When and where will the meetings, munches and workshops be held?
Two to three Munches take place every week. There's a beginners' meeting once a month. At these events, you can also find out how and where to find other events. All dates are listed in the calendar.
What's a Munch?
A Munch is a gathering of sadomasochists in a public place, usually a restaurant, where newcomers can casually make contact with the subculture. The tradition was started by members of the newsgroup alt.sex.bondage. Munches are held in many large cities in the USA, and this type of gathering has been developing in Europe in recent years.
Who is going to a munch?
Anyone interested in the topic of SM, whether they practice such methods themselves or simply want to learn more.
Can I just come to one of these munches?
Of course. The meetings take place in ordinary venues to minimize any initial hesitation. There is no separation from other attendees. Everyone can remain anonymous within the group for as long as they wish. We also do not ask anyone about their sexual preferences.
I dont have a sitter. Can I bring my child?
No. While we don't do anything that would endanger minors, we want to avoid situations where anyone who doesn't like us can start a public discussion about children at our meetings. We are aware of the problems this causes for parents, but unfortunately, for the time being, we must ask that you adhere to the rules and show understanding.
I am not of age. Can I come anyways?
No. We know that interest in BDSM doesn't only awaken at age 18, and many of us can recall a lively interest in the topic from puberty and even earlier. Nevertheless, our events are currently only aimed at adults. Firstly, we want to protect ourselves from potential legal disputes—in which we would probably be on safe ground, but unfortunately, like many aspects of BDSM, this is a legal gray area. Secondly, experience has shown that the presence of minors inhibits adults from asking the questions or addressing the topics that interest them. We offer minors personal consultations and advice via email and telephone, and otherwise refer them to the BDSM information service of the SMJG, www.smjg.org, specifically for young people.
If this is so in the open, wouldn't there be a chance of outing myself?
Taking that first step out isn't easy; however, the biggest obstacle is usually yourself. A few months after coming out, you realize that the rest of the world—including your tablemates at the café—couldn't care less what you do or who you meet up with.
The common fear of running into acquaintances at a meetup is statistically unfounded. Someone who actually attends BDSM meetups isn't going to think of making fun of other attendees or outing them later. Besides, it's not at all the case that only certified BDSM practitioners attend our meetups—friends, acquaintances, and relatives often come along. So your presence could have entirely different reasons.
I have a very public job or am a person of public interest and don't want to be outed.
We don't interrogate anyone. If you call yourself Stefan but your real name is Klaus, we couldn't care less. If someone asks you what you do for a living as part of normal small talk, just say you'd prefer to keep that to yourself. Some of our regular visitors work for the police, the government, and the church.
Is there a dresscode at Munches?
No. We would actually welcome a little restraint in clothing choices to alleviate the anxieties of newcomers ("what will people think if I'm sitting at a table with a bunch of exotically dressed SMers") as much as possible. Experience has shown that these fears are usually completely unfounded: the rest of the world doesn't immediately associate patent leather, leather, and latex clothing with SM and, in any case, doesn't care much about what we do.
Can I meet new people at your munches and can I exchange experiences?
We created these meetups so people could simply get together—about whatever they want to talk about. At the munches, you can encounter almost any topic. Often, it's just "vanilla" stuff that normal people talk about in social situations.
If you have specific questions or want to talk about a BDSM topic, just bring it up. After all, BDSM is the common thread for everyone present... and we'll see just how many facets that can be.
I am sure there are only guys or couples.
Both are wrong. However, if you're worried about this point, you should probably reread the questions about finding a partner before you come by.
Why do I need an open meeting to talk about things that I do in my own four walls?
If you're asking yourself this question, you obviously don't need one :). Other people don't (yet) have a partner or still find it interesting to exchange experiences with other BDSM practitioners. While there are often too many people at munches who don't know each other well enough to have truly fruitful conversations, you can definitely meet people there with whom you might want to chat privately at some point, to broaden your horizons.
Why are you guys so concerned with all this? My own coming out was easy as pie and why shouldn't yours be any different?
Even among BDSM practitioners, there are all sorts of people. Some embrace their BDSM interests from the start without feeling bad or insecure about it. Some people don't mind taking their first step into the public eye at a party, or they simply don't have the desire for publicity. However, most are a bit shy when they first enter the BDSM scene, and that's who we're addressing. For anyone bothered by the words "nice" and "harmless," there are plenty of darker options in the vast BDSM world.
Do I have to register for a munch?
No – just come along. For those who don't like the idea of showing up alone at our meetings, we also offer the option of meeting one of us beforehand for a cup of coffee (an email is all it takes; we always have volunteers). That way, you'll at least have met one of the other attendees, and things will be a bit easier.
What if I don't find the right table?
If you're unsure whether the group of people you see is the one you're looking for, just ask the friendly bar staff for the "Munch". They're very relaxed and will tell you where everyone is sitting.
I am shy, what will people think of me if I am just sitting there, not saying a word?
Then we remind ourselves that almost all of us felt the same way at the beginning – it's not a sign of any social deficiency and resolves itself after the first few meetings. No need to worry.
I am not sure if this is meant for me.
Most people initially believe that "these sadomasochists" are completely different. Either they consider their own fantasies far too tame and the "real SMers" they see on afternoon talk shows much more hardcore, or they consider their own fantasies unspeakably perverse and believe they could scare away even seasoned SMers. Or both. We regularly receive calls like, "I'm sure I'm unwelcome here because I'm just a fetishist / only like bondage / don't like bondage / think fetish clothing is stupid." These concerns are unfounded. Anyone even remotely interested in BDSM is welcome.
I am mainly interested in rubber / piss / or tiny asian females that drip cough syrup into my ears. Can you help me find a community of same-interest people?
We offer a point of contact for anyone interested in one or more of the many variations that fall under the umbrella of BDSM, but of course we can't guarantee that there will be someone at every meeting who can help you with every particular interest. However, someone usually knows someone else who can.
No one is doing something without getting anything out for themselves. So what's the catch here?
We cover our running costs with membership fees; the events are free. We organize these meetings because we ourselves have either benefited from them or because we wish we'd had such an opportunity back then. Most of us remember how lost we felt not so long ago and want to help make coming out a little easier for others.
I can't find anything perverted on your website. Your association must be a bureaucratic disguise and everything else rund behind the curtain.
Sorry, that's not the case. All our activities are explained on our website. There are no secret, clandestine circles where unspeakable things happen. We try to help with coming out, offer advice on the various resources available, and provide opportunities to talk. What happens next is a private matter for each individual.
Are you the SM-scene in Berlin?
No. There is no such thing as "the SM scene," just as there is no such thing as "the vanilla scene," "the gay scene," or "the straight scene." The non-commercial SM subculture is made up of a wide variety of scenes that only partially overlap.
How about other SM-Groups? Are you competitors?
No. The selection in Berlin is quite limited anyway. We're happy to give advice on choosing a group. Besides, competitive thinking really isn't our thing. We're all in the same boat and prefer to support each other.